Heath Ledger's Saturn Return

With deep grief, I post this blog about the death of actor Heath Ledger, whom I've adored since he came on the scene with 10 Things I hate About You in 1999. His death is a tremendous shock and a great tragedy; he was the father of a two-year-old girl and an actor with great talent and promise. Heath would have been twenty-nine in April. Transiting Saturn was exactly conjunct his natal Saturn, at 8 degrees of Virgo, on the afternoon of his death. Translation: he died at the exact moment of his Saturn Return. It is positively ghoulish. Saturn is a tough customer, but rarely does the Cosmic Taskmaster work in such deadly and permanent ways.

Big Daddy Saturn Sends Paris to the Big House

Saturn is responsible for the sign by the cash register at your fave cafe that says, "Karma is a Boomerang". Paris Hilton apparently can't wrap her little blond brain around this concept, but she'll be getting quite an ass-kicking cosmic lesson during the forty-five days she'll spend at the local LA klink staring on June 5th. She failed to comply with probation for a past drunk driving violation, effectively flipping off Saturn and earning his wrath, much to the amusement of the vast majority of the American public.

With many planets in Aquarius opposing her moon in Leo, it's no wonder that Paris is a fame-whore. Saturn's current transit through the sign of the lion has caused this celebutante some major consternation. Although she's still a few years away from her Saturn Return, Big Daddy is bringing down his black boot right now. Saturn rules time, and Paris better do hers now or she'll have to pay the piper when she turns thirty. Even the Hilton's won't be able to afford that particular tab.

Don Imus, meet the Cosmic Taskmaster

After being called out for his racist, misogynistic rant last week, Don Imus was fired from both his daily simulcast on MSNBC and his radio show on CBS. Saturn is currently squaring his natal Saturn. Let's take it straight from astrology god Robert Hand. This is his description of Don's current transit:

Most often this influence is experienced as a sort of identity crisis in which you begin to question what you are doing. You may suffer a crisis of confidence at this time, fearing that you have made the wrong moves in life or committed yourself to some course of action that will not be good in the long run. During this period you will think about and question all the long-term trends in your life. You will not be thinking about trivial matters.

Sometimes a particular event triggers off this period of soul-searching. Others may create difficulties for you, especially in your business or professional area. Perhaps they detect the first signs of insecurity that will afflict you during this period. If they are people who naturally compete with you, they may try to take advantage of your apparent weakness. Employers and other superiors may also sense your feelings of insecurity and wonder whether you are the right person for the job you are doing.


One thing for is for sure, Mr. Imus better heed Saturn's lesson or he'll never see work again. A lot of commentator's are suggesting that he wasn't quite contrite enough, and obviously the cosmos are in complete agreement. Saturn is not one to be trifled with. Let's hope he goes after Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Glenn Beck and their ilk next. Fair is fair.

Saturn Shaves Brtiney Bald

Poor little Britney Spears. Her slow spiral downward sped up last fall, when Jupiter in Sagittarius set off a period of wild expansion. Now, courtesy of Saturn, Britney has really hit bottom. The Cosmic Taskmaster, planet of karma, is touching off planets in Britney's first house, ruling appearance and identity. Currently Saturn is sextiling her natal Saturn - forcing her to look at herself with a ginormous magnifying glass. The truth is that astrologically, this new 'do is a good thing for Britney -- she's shedding the past and absolving herself of negative baggage.

It's kind of ironic that's she's been wearing a Star of David while getting tattoos. Getting inked is actually against Jewish law, but whatever. She's two full years away from her Saturn Return, but preparing herself in advance. There won't be anything left to go through by the time she turns thirty. This little lost soul might just get found before by the time Saturn sextiles her Pluto sometime this summer.

Katie, Scientology and Saturn

So those crazy kids went off and got hitched this past weekend in a remote Italian village. Despite her Georgio Armani-designed gown, Katie Holmes looked like a deer caught in headlights in all of the paparazzi images taken before and after the Scientology ceremony. Her Sagittarian optimism is no match for the strangeness to come. As Saturn conjoined her moon and crossed her Leo ascendant over the past few months, Kiss Me Too Long Katie has gone through a major restructuring of her self-image. Ms. Dawson's Creek has no idea who she is anymore. Honeymoons in the Maldives are nice, but can't undo the fact that you've just married a gay alien two inches shorter than you. And putting a toupee on your baby ain't gonna cover up the fact that the world knows you didn't actually sleep with the "man" you now call your "husband".

Katie's Saturn Return officially begins next summer. Let's hope her people planned well for her, because the lawyers should be popping the cherrry on the pre-nup by late 2007. Saturn loves you, Katie, and if you heed the Cosmic Taskmaster well during your Saturn Return, karma won't come around to kick you again in thirty years. We've got our fingers crossed that you'll get out alive.

Happy 30th, Angelina

Even Uber-Goddess Angelina Jolie can't avoid inevitable tangles with Big Daddy Saturn. Ms. Jolie just had her 30th birthday on June 4th. Now that Saturn is leaving Cancer for a two and a half year stay in the constellation of Leo, watch for Jolie's focus to move from home-wrecking to domestic goddess duty.

But before her current Pitt-stop, there was Billy. None of us can forget the tattoos and pledges of undying love, can we? Her marriage to Thorton, twenty years her senior, ended in 2003, just when Saturn entered Cancer and her Saturn Return began. Notorious for her difficult relationship to famous father Jon Voight, Angelina revisited some of her heavy duty father issues with this deeply Saturnian relationship. Born with her Saturn in Cancer and in the fourth house of home and family, Ms. Jolie had a most tumultuous childhood. Now that her Saturn Return is finally over, we hope that smooth waters will prevail.

Queen Bee slammed by King Saturn

L'il Kim was was convicted of perjury today, proving once again that Saturn's lessons can be harsh ones. Kimberly Jones was born in 1975, when Saturn was last in Cancer. With her Saturn Return exact, the verdict is no surprise -- Saturn won't let us get away with much.

Farewell, Julia Child

The French Chef has left us for the great beyond. Saturn just approached her natal Neptune and detached her from the material universe, quite literally. After surviving three, count 'em, three, Saturn Returns, Lady Julia finally made the ultimate Saturnian sacrifice.

We will miss you, Julia...

Dangerous Love

Double Cancer Courtney Love is in the news again as the anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death approaches and new conspiracy theories abound. With Saturn sidling up to her sun between now and July, any karmic crimes and misdemeanors in Love's present and past are subject for the world's scrutiny. Innocent until Saturn proves guilty? One thing is for certain, Courtney will be asked to clean up her act or her physical vitality (sun) will suffer under Saturn's grip.

Women of the world donned their Manolos and raised their Cosmos high last Sunday night in honor of the fabulousness that was SATC. Devastated, I am, to see it go, but like the ladies, I understand that all good things must come to an end. Sarah Jessica Parker is one smart cookie -- she understands the meaning of time. (With her moon in Capricorn, the sign of Saturn, it's no wonder.) A sassy, kick-ass Aries chick, SJP brought the series to a close in exactly one cycle of Saturn. She knew instinctively that staying any longer at the party would wear the welcome thin.

Alas, I will miss my ladies. Appropriately, they left us longing for more during Saturn's transit through Cancer, calling the role of women in society to our attention in a BIG way.

It was repugnant, but mesmerizing, like a bad car accident.

I somehow found myself involved in last night's premiere of The Apprentice, Donald Trump's latest attention-whoring vehicle. As I watched him last night lording over his court of wannabe corporate kingpins, I felt like throwing up. And it was hard not to squint at the glare of all the guilded objects in his palatial apartment. Trump is a Leo, through and through. I find it fascinating that he is one of many millionaires with a sun-Uranus conjunction in his natal chart.

Here's the ironic part: I was accosted by one the contestants, Sam, over the summer. He tried to get me to sell lemonade for him as I walked by Joe's Pizza late one afternoon. I was annoyed at the time, but I secretly cheered last night when he didn't get fired.


I think he might even win...

"The twenties are so difficult. It is such a struggle. I'm tired of struggling. I can't wait to be 35."

-- Cameron Diaz, as quoted by Liz Smith in Glamour